What General Motors Gave Me.

The GM weight loss diet program. Thats what.

I may have lost a kilogram worrying about what I would not be eating during the course of this diet program.

What I intend to give all my readers :

A tailor-made diet program for you, you and you.

Its a simple theory based on the instant gratification principle. The amount of food stocked in your house is indirectly proportional to hunger and directly proportional to the will power to hold back that hunger. Lesser the food in the house, hungrier you feel and less likely that you'll hold back that hunger, consequently ending up in a fast food, instant gratification joint. On the other hand, stock your house with a lot of food and even if you feel hungry, there's a higher probability that you will hold it back because of the comfort of food being available at hand. I am sure by now you must have noticed how this theory can be applied to a myriad of situations starting from sex, money, so on and so forth. So how do you go about implementing this new, extraordinary diet program?

Simple. Stuff your house with a lot of high-energy, low-carb, low-fat food. You'll get hungry less often and even when you do, hey, you have healthy food at hand.

If this worked for you, please feel free to contact me in the comments section for donations and other favors.

How to Lose Friends and Piss off People.

Tip # 5731.

Boy: Hi! One question. Could be stupid. Was looking at your snaps on Orkut. Do you wear pushups?

Girl: I don't wear pushups, asshole.

Boy: Ok.

We are friends - Past tense.
We were friends - Present tense.

This works entirely on the shock-unexpectancy factor. Choose your weapon depending upon your closeness to him / her.

Extras #1: If you are a guy, hey, how about a "pushup" question to your guy friend?

Tip # 5908.

Stare at your friend's lips while he / she is talking to you.

The beauty of this one is it could work wonders regardless of the gender of the person you are talking to. But then again, nothing like trying it on your best same-sex friend. You get? * wink wink *

Tip # 6014

Chat etiquette.
Go online, be online but never ever talk. Oh and if you are pressed to say something, we have a way around. Say it ( preferably in monosyllables ) exactly after 1 hour and 24 minutes and 43 buzzes, calls etc.
This works depending on your capacity to ignore.

There have been cases of people strangling chat windows.

Tip #6239

Fake. Its a talent and it can be practised to perfection.

Act like a fairy or ( for political correctness ) an angel. Let everyone feel that you are always at arms length. ( in the sky, looking down. * wink * )

P.S. : Curiously no amount of fakeness have known to effect anything in corporate environments. All I can add here is : it is worth studying, this fake-proofness.

Tip # 6498

Time to re-think.

Good relationships start at boundaries and you keep pushing it. Comme la mère et l'enfant. ( what a fucking fake, eh?) So if you are going steady in a friendly sort of relationship ( especially with people of the same gender ), something's wrong. Are you homo?

There are many more. It's only a matter of discovery.
You'll be surprised to find how easy it is to lose all your friends with these very practical tips.

A Chat

If you ever used Yahoo's chat service or any other chat service for that matter, you couldn't miss them . If a survey was conducted they would unanimously be declared the people most hooked to chat technology. The Philippines. One, ermm two, no three characteristics make a Philippine stand out. Unbearable dumbness, extreme lack of vocabulary and unicorn-like horniness. Of course its only the chat populace that I'm referring to.
One of these days I was in a Yahoo chat room and IMing every female screenname I saw. I had a format ready - "Hey, hru, asl?" - in the clipboard and was pasting that into all the windows. It seemed I missed one id though but it didn't miss me. A window with a "Hi" popped up and within a few seconds a friendly "hru". The "asl" ceremony also went fine, notwithstanding the fact that I had started a conversation with a 21/F/Phlpns. After a few introductory remarks, she popped a simple question which was to become the subject of a post in a few days.

Phlpn : So, where are you?

( I was home. I have a PC and was on a chair. It all seemed so obvious that I thought it unnecessary to even answer that question. At least not directly. So I thought I'd have a little fun and said )

Me: In the loo, taking a shit.

Phlpn: Huh?, What do u mean?

Me: Loo. Shit.

Phlpn: What?

Simple deduction. 21/F/Phlpns did not either know what a loo was or what you were supposed to do in it under normal, non-excitable circumstances.

Me: Baby, Loo = Toilet.

Superquick, mega smart, ultrahot Phlpn: Oh, so you are 'masterbating' ?

Me: Uhh, yeah.

Curious Phlpn: And your media?

Me: My what?

Dr. Phlpn : Your media. With what you masterbate? Your weapon.

Me: Oh that. Yeah. My sword you mean?

Eager Phlpn: Yes, yes *deep grin*. What it doing?

Me: Oscillating. Up, up, down, down, Mm, Mm.

Excited Phlpn: You moan?

Me: No, I groan. And cry.

Confused Phlpn: Uh, why cry?

Me: Fun.

She didn't reply.